Prevention | Pleasure


In Black Women, Editorial, Relationships, Safer Sex on 01.03.2010 at 3:00 PM

So, (now that I’m a therapist in training, I start everything with “so…”) I went to see Avatar, an amazing, beautiful movie, especially when witnessed in IMAX 3-D. I felt something mystical, honest, and beautiful about the characters, story line, and even the language, although many critics would beg to differ. It was an age old tale of colonialism, what drives it, who benefits, who suffers, and also how it has the potential to bring people closer to God or tear them from Her.

There was also a love story. I don’t intend to give the movie away, but let’s just say a female and a male ended up getting together. They made love, and after they did she told him that they were now bonded for life. She didn’t ask his permission; she just went into the act with the understanding that if you and I mate, we are together. I reflected on that for a few days, and it made me think about a study I read last year that discussed women using unprotected sex as a means to secure a commitment. Women were strategically going raw with certain men, with the idea that if they did the man would want to be in a relationship with them… Last night I was honored to have a discussion with four good guys, one married, two committed, and one single, and girl, let me tell you… you want to know what they had to say.

I don’t even know what sparked the conversation, but it ended up lasting until around 4:45 AM. It was my first unofficial Sex and the Misters. We discussed, dialogued, and debated, all in good fun, but some interesting points came up that only a few women probably understand. The women who do know this are women who have a little bit of man in them. LOL. And by that I mean women who have the ability to turn the traditional gender roles in a relationship and end up leading and/or controlling it in a more overt manner. Most women, myself included, have no idea.

So I casually mentioned to them that going raw, in woman land, meant that we were in a relationship. Eyes popped and a silence fell over the room briefly. I was like, “what, ya’ll didn’t know that? I thought there was an understanding between men and women that if we had unprotected sex, we were together.” These guys laughed at me for almost 11 minutes. There was a unanimous and resounding NO. All it means to them is at best, “She was/is nice” and at worst, “She’s nasty.” But in their minds it didn’t say anything about a relationship.

Girl, you need to know that and I wish someone would have told me that earlier in life. In the instances that I did have unprotected sex, I certainly thought that if a man and I looked each other in the eye, knowing darn well there was no condom on, and continued to go through with it…we were taking it to the next level. In my mind, that next level was commitment land. But upon reflection, it didn’t always work out that way. So, what does that mean for the sisters?

Don’t go into a situation thinking that he thinks like you. The way they made it sound, guys don’t think critically about anything sexual. They think, “Hey, my dick is hard. She looks like she is having it because she isn’t making me put on a condom.” What they are NOT thinking is, “Wow, I really trust her. She is special because I don’t have unprotected sex with just anyone. I want to be with her, and this means we’re going to be together.” Crazy huh? Well that is what it is. So, we have to get over the shock (for those of you who are as shocked as I was) and do something about it. Don’t have unprotected sex with anyone who hasn’t already committed to you. Don’t have unprotected sex with anyone who hasn’t shown you some test results. Don’t have unprotected sex thinking that you are going to win him over with it.

Now if you’re single and having fun, I’m not saying don’t have sex at all. That is your choice girl. Do you. What I am saying is if you are single, but you don’t want to be, going raw is not going to get you a commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I think there was some male posturing in the room as I was listening to the conversation. Although three out of four were in serious relationships, they didn’t want to seem too “soft” to each other. But, about that, they were telling the truth…and the truth hurts.

Talk to me ladies and gents. What do you think?

  1. funny how a proposal is a clear indicator of a man wanting to commit, and it used to be required by women before they gave him all the pleasures of sex, let alone raw sex. But now since women no longer require marriage for sex, children, living together, etc……they’re trying to reverse engineer commitment. Seems like instead of withholding all… See More the perks of marriage until he pops the question, women want to be free to give men the perks, then ASSUME that his acceptance of the perks indicates his signing off on a commitment. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

    And lets be honest, alotta women only want to assume the presence of a commitment because they can’t accept the true nature of their ways. You know how the girl sleeps with a guy on the first visit to his crib, then she insists that he takes her out and courts her AFTER the fact……all because she can’t accept that he had a hoeish moment and she needs to take it for what it is.

    and I saw the movie last night, there was a moment (right before he hit it) were they made it clear that they’re choosing eachother for commitment. So she didn’t ask for permission, but he did “propose”, and she accepted BEFORE he hit it.

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