Now, how, you ask, does that make me a NOT single sister. Well most people, men in particular, are attracted to genuine confidence. It means that I can say, “baby I want you in my life because I enjoy you and love you, and I also know how to enjoy and love me.” It means I take care of myself first, so that anything else I do for the rest of the day comes from a woman who has taken the time to honor herself. It also means that when entering a room, my walk is mean, my head is high, and I am probably smiling, whether I am wearing a full sweatsuit or stilettos and a freakum dress. Finally, it means that I treat men as well as I treat myself, and expect the same.

I’m imperfect, not movie star pretty. I have corns, blotchy skin, and an overbite. I cuss like a sailor (I’m working on that), and I can be stinky sometimes. But at the end of the day, I dig it. And brothers dig it too. Still, even if they didn’t, I have gotten to the place where it doesn’t make me want to be any different. I can adapt and compromise, but I don’t change what is really me.

Talk to you later girl.

So, after some discussion with my love and a few of his friends, I decided to write a little about why I’m not single. This isn’t written to suggest that women should do exactly as I am/have done. It’s just a little bit of what I do that seems to work. None of these include superficial things, because unless you’re willing to alter your looks all the time or permanently, you can’t change that. This is a list of some of the things I naturally am, or have learned, that have led to me being in a committed, loving relationship. You can try it at your own risk. I’ll start with a list, and then talk about a few per entry.

I Love Myself

I Forgive

I Flirt

I Feel

I Tell the Truth

I Compromise

I Respect Men

I Give it My All Everytime

I Know What I Like/Want/Need

I Have Fun

I Have a Life

I am Flexible

I Listen

I Talk

My List Doesn’t Include Looks

I Expect Good Things

This list is not comprehensive, and I may add things as I think of them. Expect in coming weeks for me to talk more about each and how I think they work for me. And hey, sometimes you just need to be single. Enjoy the freedom that comes with it, and the opportunity to do you in every way, and to grow into the best woman you can be. Talk to you later girl.

I was considering my insatiable quest for knowledge, the pursuit of a PhD, and my desire for the family of my dreams. I know it’s a lot, but I want to be Super Sister – a la Clair Huxtable bad. I want to maintain a good relationship with my husband and kids, write books, practice psychology, own a business, enjoy my loved ones, serve the community, and thank God. And although it is impossible to get, I want it now, because that is when I think I will be full. But if life is anything like eating (one of my favorite things to do), then will I be able to tell that I am full?

This life I want is like a delicious meal, with every bit seeming as appetizing as the next. It’s Thanksgiving. I want the macaroni and cheese, the ham, the greens, the yams, the cornbread, the stuffing with cranberry sauce, the sweet potato pie, and the punch. I put it all into my plate, a vision of what I want to eat, and then I eat faster than everybody…I always have. But somewhere past halfway, before completion I don’t realize that I am stuffing more in than I can handle. My stomach hasn’t sent the signal to my mind that I am full. I shouldn’t eat it all, but I do because I want it and I don’t know that I’ve gone beyond my threshold. Even if my body and mind were in sync…how do you decide between yams and mac and cheese? You don’t…it’s about portion control.

If I were to put everything on my plate that I want, with a little less of each, I could eat everything I like and be full…content, but not stuffed. If I were to put everything into perspective, I would understand that I can have it all, but maybe not to the level I originally thought. I don’t want to choose between romantic, marital bliss and professional success, but I may have to redefine what those things mean if I want to keep both of them. For me, a part of that is realizing that I don’t have to do it all before 35. There are people in the world who can work that, and I admire it greatly, but if I put a book out at 45 instead, it doesn’t make a big difference.

Storytelling is a vulnerable position; even when it’s fiction it ain’t. There is a lifetime of truth that informs the fiction. My truth about Black men is at once beautiful and ugly, and I am going to tell them both, over the course of my life. This is not dangerous to them, if they understand that I ain’t lying. I am not intending to demonize or criminalize them, but simply reflecting and writing down some of my herstory. I think some brothers envy the vulnerability of sister story tellers. Of course the men of which I speak are probably not telling their own stories, but spending time silencing those of us who do.

How you gonna get mad at Alice Walker for The Color Purple? Do you know how many women and young girls I know personally that have experienced incest or suffered from domestic violence?

Some brothers I was talking to were upset about the way Tyler Perry represents them in his work. One argued that he was gay, and thus unable to articulate the experiences of straight men in his work. I don’t think he’s the best filmmaker in the world, but he has a way of connecting to audiences, and there is always some truth in the stories. Eventually I am going to write about some men who have left their daughters feeling abandoned, some men who are abusive, and some men who don’t graduate from high school, not because this is the way I want to portray all brothers, but because I know men like this. I also know men who are loving husbands and fathers, who teach high school, who protest on behalf of people they have not even met, not because I want to portray them like this, but because I know them.

I believe there is something redeemable in every character, and that should be only as clear as it is in life, which depends on who narrates. But let me tell it like I know it, please. Give me the space to open up the lives of characters who live remnants of my truth, and I will do the same, respectfully.

You don’t put on nice clothes for me. You don’t shave. You don’t bathe. You don’t bother to wear cologne, or upgrade anything you own. You are waking up out of bed, morning breath and all. And still, I managed to fall.

This ain’t no show, the life of people in love. It isn’t reality t.v., because we don’t act – you and me. I am at home with you, no matter where we are. If I’m here and you’re else where, then there we are. And there’s love in the room no matter where we are.

I don’t need a fantasy, or imaginary figments, masks, facades, or veils. I’m too grown for fairy tales. I like this story just fine. The one we write every time we find something beautiful about our design.

I scratch the dandruff out your scalp, and pick between your toes. You squeeze the pimples on my face, and all of this is gross. But I wouldn’t trade a thing and sacrifice us being close. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m not one who attends church regularly, nor do I read the Bible like I once did. But I pray, meditate, and praise God. I’ve found peace, to some extent, about being a sexual, spiritual woman. I say “to some extent” because there are still moments when I feel that being someone’s wife will justify my sexual self. They are rare, but they exist. So why is it that religions are so specific about the spaces where sex is appropriate and godly. Aren’t we worshiping and praising in the act? Aren’t we taking a try at imitating God? What is offense about that, and what is the fear?

Some say that there are a number of problems that can come from premarital sex: unwanted pregnancy, disease and infection, and broken hearts. I also know that through various translations and social norms over history, what is acceptable has changed. I wonder if this is about premarital sex, or just sex without conversation of intentions, without caring about yourself enough to ask the difficult questions early. Now I can’t say I have been enlightened about sex all of my life, nor can I say that I am at the peak of enlightenment now, but I recognize the challenges sex can present as well as the beauty. I’m thinking there are some really beautiful things that come of it too, like pleasure, orgasms, endorphins, babies, and connection. This is just the list that I can think of without research. I wonder what I will find if I looked.

Now girl, I know some of us may be hesitant. After all, many of us were taught that self-pleasure is selfish and maybe even sinful. So, maybe until you’re ready to rethink that, toys for two are for you. The great thing about adult toys is that many are multipurpose, if you use a little creativity. You and your partner can explore their uses together, or you can find what works for you on your own…and then play show and tell.

Hot recommendations for this season include a few classics and some new gadgets as well. Tamela McDonald of Pure Romance (http://www.prbytamela.com) has the inside scoop on what tantalizing toys can bring back passionate play for you.

Thumbs Up is a wireless and waterproof G-Spot vibrator, perfectly angled to hit the spot, with clitoral “nubbies” that will tickle you all the way to your toes! This product is great for woman who wants assistance in finding their G-spot. The soft jelly-like material intensifies its three speed of pleasure, it will have you giving this product two energetic Thumbs Up!

Jelly Tool Belt is our #1 Couples vibrator! The comfortable c-ring constriction will speed her up, slow him down, and make the journey as much fun as the destination! Enjoy the intense vibration from the seven-function removable Micro-bullet. This vibrator is great for couples who want to add a little more spice into their love making experience.

Cowboy Up is a 6’’ long, 5’’ circumference waterproof vibrator that has soft jelly tickling bullhorns to provide three speed clitoral stimulation, an arched rotating shaft with reversible directions to help stimulate the G-spot and ball bearing beads to make her go buck wild! When you explore yourself sexually, you discover a new side of yourself-what you like, what feels good and what you might want to share with a partner. This toy is great for dual-action beginners.

There was also a love story. I don’t intend to give the movie away, but let’s just say a female and a male ended up getting together. They made love, and after they did she told him that they were now bonded for life. She didn’t ask his permission; she just went into the act with the understanding that if you and I mate, we are together. I reflected on that for a few days, and it made me think about a study I read last year that discussed women using unprotected sex as a means to secure a commitment. Women were strategically going raw with certain men, with the idea that if they did the man would want to be in a relationship with them… Last night I was honored to have a discussion with four good guys, one married, two committed, and one single, and girl, let me tell you… you want to know what they had to say.

I don’t even know what sparked the conversation, but it ended up lasting until around 4:45 AM. It was my first unofficial Sex and the Misters. We discussed, dialogued, and debated, all in good fun, but some interesting points came up that only a few women probably understand. The women who do know this are women who have a little bit of man in them. LOL. And by that I mean women who have the ability to turn the traditional gender roles in a relationship and end up leading and/or controlling it in a more overt manner. Most women, myself included, have no idea.

So I casually mentioned to them that going raw, in woman land, meant that we were in a relationship. Eyes popped and a silence fell over the room briefly. I was like, “what, ya’ll didn’t know that? I thought there was an understanding between men and women that if we had unprotected sex, we were together.” These guys laughed at me for almost 11 minutes. There was a unanimous and resounding NO. All it means to them is at best, “She was/is nice” and at worst, “She’s nasty.” But in their minds it didn’t say anything about a relationship.

Girl, you need to know that and I wish someone would have told me that earlier in life. In the instances that I did have unprotected sex, I certainly thought that if a man and I looked each other in the eye, knowing darn well there was no condom on, and continued to go through with it…we were taking it to the next level. In my mind, that next level was commitment land. But upon reflection, it didn’t always work out that way. So, what does that mean for the sisters?

Don’t go into a situation thinking that he thinks like you. The way they made it sound, guys don’t think critically about anything sexual. They think, “Hey, my dick is hard. She looks like she is having it because she isn’t making me put on a condom.” What they are NOT thinking is, “Wow, I really trust her. She is special because I don’t have unprotected sex with just anyone. I want to be with her, and this means we’re going to be together.” Crazy huh? Well that is what it is. So, we have to get over the shock (for those of you who are as shocked as I was) and do something about it. Don’t have unprotected sex with anyone who hasn’t already committed to you. Don’t have unprotected sex with anyone who hasn’t shown you some test results. Don’t have unprotected sex thinking that you are going to win him over with it.

Now if you’re single and having fun, I’m not saying don’t have sex at all. That is your choice girl. Do you. What I am saying is if you are single, but you don’t want to be, going raw is not going to get you a commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I think there was some male posturing in the room as I was listening to the conversation. Although three out of four were in serious relationships, they didn’t want to seem too “soft” to each other. But, about that, they were telling the truth…and the truth hurts.

Talk to me ladies and gents. What do you think?

Each year, like most women, I do resolution-type lists of things I want to accomplish or attain over the next year, but this year I am switching things up a little. I am being very conscious of my vision and intentions. Not that I wasn’t before, but now I am seeing the picture a bit fuller and clearer. To be specific, I am imagining the actions I will perform as goals are met, I’m conjuring up the feelings I will experience when things go well, I am pretending I am there, and then writing down what that will be like. A little something I picked up at a Clinical Hypnosis workshop I attended a few weeks ago. If it works for the people I see, then I believe it will work for me as well.

So here’s a little bit of what I am seeking, related to love and intimacy. I’ll keep you posted as things happen for me.

1. I am wearing a beautifully fitted dress on my three year anniversary. My love and I are smiling at each other as we sit at Imperial Fez, enjoying the fragrant smell of rose water while we feed each other desert. I feel so thankful to be in a loving relationship with the man I want to marry and grow old with. I feel so thankful that I can tell by the look in his eye that he feels the same.
2. My abs, butt, and thighs are more toned than ever because of two things: the ballet lessons I have been taking for a while and the frequency of our love-making. I look at my body in the mirror after I get up from a morning tryst and I am thankful for the definition of my muscle lines and the orgasms.
3. I am on my seventh date night of the year, and this date is so exciting because it is thoughtful and creative. He has done it again…reminded me of why we work so well together. We are laughing at an inside joke and kissing softly as we dance.

Just a few things I intend to enjoy this coming year. I also intend to write on this blog more than once a month. I will set my goal at twice a month, because I know I will have plenty to talk about. But, you know what would help? Hearing from you. Post your comments, questions, and conversation starters anywhere on here. I am making Sex and the Sisters more conversational, as if I were talking to a friend. I hope this new tone reaches more women and encourages the conversation to open and grow.

Well, talk to you later girl. Happy Holidays and enjoy your new year!!